And it has happened again, another massively important and influential person in my life out here is moving across the country for a new job. Of course she so deserves it and it's completely expected for the place she is in her career, blah blah blah I'm happy for her. At least I am when I'm not utterly devastated. Today was her last day and I cannot stem my tears. Not only do I need her at work to help me navigate the shit storm of complicated eccentric relationships of my department and to look up to/be mentored by, but I realize my anguish in her departure has a lot to do with how it reflects where I am in my own life. Watching her move on and take on a new adventure is making me hungry for the same. I am so sick of fighting the same battles every day at work with no semblance of change in the year and a half I've been there. I want so much more. My wants are vast and numerous and cannot be contained in Manch. I am itchy for something new, challenging, interesting, thrilling and yet am so terrified of leaving behind the job I built my entire undergrad around getting. How do you just let go of a way of life you imagined for years? Do I just get a new job and walk away. Is that what adult life is. Learning when to move on, when to fight for what you want, when to accept that you have what you want, when to revel in the feeling of not knowing what you want. I don't know. I am so terrified of what NB's departure means for me. What will happen at work. What should I do to better my position by leveraging the gaping whole in our department. How do I learn to navigate that type of strategic career maneuvering. What will happen if I get one of these jobs I've applied for and have to move and start all over. It is a thrilling and terrifying concept.
Sometimes I feel like I am looking at my life from the outside, like a surreal out of body experience and wonder how it came to be this way. I moved across the country away from everyone I know and now I know lots of people. People that are important to me. But I am not settled, I'm not sure I will ever feel settled. I think I have felt this way my entire life; I am searching. Maybe I've cultivated this feeling as a defense mechanism against being hurt so badly when people leave. But if that's true it's very ineffective. I feel scrubbed raw with all these big goodbyes I've had to say. There is something to this that I need to ponder more. How I can simultaneously be desperately searching to connect with people and avoiding connections to avoid getting hurt. Although I really only do that with relationships, hence no romantic relationships. I don't do that with friendships. I am all in with people I identify as would be friends. Definitely to ponder this more.
