same blog new purpose

Or maybe it's the same purpose, just rambling reflections on my life to get some of this babble out of my head and onto paper so as to hopefully quiet my mind.

What I want to write about now is this new realization I have come to recently about some of these strange, contradictory, painful, intense, mostly undefined feelings swirling about inside of me and threatening to overwhelm me at any time. The thing is, I am lonely. I am not lonely because I moved across the country on my own and live with a stranger that I don't particularly like. I am lonely because I know that now as an adult i.e. graduated from college and no longer following a semi-structrued path I am the only one accountable for my decisions. That the big scary, complicated, even small, simple yet scary in their newness are all up to me to decide. Even if all my friends from home were here living minutes from me they could do nothing for me. Oh sure they could be my bitch buddies about all of it, like finding a dentist and taking my car for an oil change and grocery shopping and getting locked out of my apartment. If my friends were here I would go curl up next to them on the couch, tell them about my day and whine about these adult things and we would have a laugh at the childishness of it and that would be very nice. I would feel better for a short while but ultimately  I would have to deal with these things. That is why I am lonely. It is a bone deep loneliness of shouldering the burden of life on my own just as everyone else does.

Of course I am lonely in the expected ways too. Of not having people near me who inherently understand everything about me. Or I guess that isn't really true because I have come to a point where some of my friend co-workers seem to truly get me like my friends back home. But they aren't single and living with me. They belong to their husbands and/or kids, they don't belong to me like my friends did in college. I desperately desire that feeling of connection again but have this sense that that time is over at least for a while. I am in a transition period and won't have that kind of thing again until I have settled some of my major issues first. Or maybe that is just my linear thinking reeking havoc on my ability to enjoy this moment and see the possibilities of the future not logical steps I should be taking.

In this phase of life I am always saying goodbyes. EL moving has just epitomized this heart breaking trend to me. I feel I will always be in a state of minor heartache where I am missing people. I need to embrace this, to accept it, lean into it because it is a fact of being an adult. There is no college dorm full of easy to maintain friendships with people down the hall running over to watch the Office in their PJs. What's left in the place is this dull ache as this truth slowly sinks in day by day. I am here and they are there. Our paths will cross at times in the years to come and after those moments I will feel the aching even stronger for a short time. But it will fade until our next encounter when I realize how much I'd dulled the feeling of missing you. When I am heartbreakingly overjoyed to see you that I am speechless railing against myself to speak, to make this moment be full of hilarity and joy to remind you why you love me. To make all this missing feel worth it. I am worth missing dammit! But instead I just stare at you boring my eyes into yours desperately trying to telepathically make you understand. To see into my head the jumbled mess of longing reaching out to you. Don't leave me. But you do leave, or more accurately I leave as I am the one who lives far away now. And I feel something like regret for the things I could not say. Maybe I didn't need to say them, maybe you understand me so well you know what I wish I was saying. And what would I say anyway? It's not really even that, some performed speech revealing some hidden side of myself. It is just reiterations of all the things you already know but I feel the need to say over and over every time I see you to reassure myself that you know and will not forget me. So I smile and stifle the tears if I can and say I am fine and we will talk soon and I get on my plane and cry until my throat aches like a golfball has swollen to a grapefruit in the back of my throat and my nose is so clogged I cannot breath. I cry for missing you. I cry for needing you, for being weak and not as brave as you think I am. I cry for how confused I am. How so many people and places can feel so right and so wrong all at once. I cry because I don't know where I belong, feel I've never really belonged, feel I may never belong, may never allow myself to belong. I cry because I am supposed to. I cry because I don't feel like I'm doing it right, that I don't know what I am doing. That I am not living. That I am holding myself back. Waiting for something but no idea what that is. I cry because I am lonely.

some moments

Instead of a running stream of consciousness recalling the events of my past weekend I am going to bullet point some lovely moments from the past week/weekend. This is a better representation of my mindset anyway as I have let go of my obsessive list making of places to travel to for a focus on the defining experiences that I am having.

- Last Thursday I attended the first meeting of the Zimmerman House docents (a Frank Lloyd Wright house that the museum owns and docent means a tour guide) as the house's tour season is starting this week. It was delightfully akin to a meeting of Ten Chimney docents and made me long for home a wee bit. This feeling was strengthened 10 fold while I was cleaning up and chatting with one docent in particular. She asked if I have ever been to Spring Green (Frank Lloyd Wright's birthplace) and since I know quite a few people from there and have indeed spent some time there, I started peppering her with questions of the places I know to see if she had been there too. Of all the places I mentioned, the one she had been to was an amazing breakfast place called The General Store. We exclaimed over how delicious the food is and how lovely Spring Green is. I must say it was not until this interaction that I realized how much I miss Wisconsin.

- Friday I went out to dinner in the North End of Boston with the brother and his girlfriend to a place called Picolla Venezia. I remember the name because Eric kept saying it in a high pitched Italian all the way there in excitement to go back. He didn't over hype it-it was truly a perfect Italian place for dinner. Warm, dimly lit, walls covered in pictures and the BEST part was the violin and accordion player that walked around. I know-totally wonderful.

- Saturday we went on the Freedom Trail walk and it was lead by not 1 but 2 colonial dressed men because our guide was in training and he didn't do half bad. It was really interesting/a tad awkward at times as he stumbled over his words an forgot a few facts (he said "2 if by land and 1 if by sea" the his shadow guide called out from the back "strike that, reverse it!" hilarious). I loved it aka I love going on walking tours and learning facts about a city.

-During the tour it got wicked cold out so when the tour ended we hoofed it to a restaurant called Zoup. It was literally the best meal I have had in Boston. We got a giant bowl of tomato bisque soup and I got a grilled cheese sandwich made of 4 difference kinds of cheeses. It was the perfect cold weather comfort meal, warming me all the way to my fingertips.

-That night we curled up in sweatshirts in front of Bridesmaid the movie and laughed our faces off.

-Sunday we chilled out until I went to Boston and before I got on the bus I went to a coffee shop to grab coffee and a croissant to eat in the park. I may or may not have written this before, so I'm just going to say it again-I love just sitting in parks and drinking coffee on a peaceful Sunday morning. It offers great people watching and is just wonderful :)

lazy mornings

This weekend was one of lazy mornings filled with wonderful people and coffee. Always lots and lots of coffee.

Friday night I went to Portsmouth and got dinner with Jane before we went to the Hunger Games. LOVED it although we did have 30 minutes of previews. Then the next day we walked to the Friendly Toast i.e. the best brunch place in the world. Then I drove back to Manchester to finish making the champagne cupcakes that I was taking to a girl from the museum's bday party that night. That's right champagne cupcakes-look it up and make them. They are heaven. I actually thought all I had to do was add more powdered sugar to the frosting and then frost the cupcakes but when I was making the frosting a few days previous I started without realizing I didn't have enough powdered sugar and then I may have dumped a bit too much champagne into the mix. Anyway I actually had to start the frosting over. Then I went and ate dinner at the my supervisor's supervisors (Leah) house (the maple syrup people from last weekend) since they were driving me to the party. Also her husband (Martin) loves german hip hop music and once he found out that I too like it and had a whole cd he wanted it. This resulted in us driving to the party in Concord blasting said music. But the best moment of the drive was when we left. Martin slammed on the gas while pulling out of the driveway so we pealed out of there in a roar of engine and squeal of tires with Leah shouting "We have a babysitter, wooooo!!" (they have a 3 year old). It was outstanding!

So the party-it was lovely. We took a field trip to the bday girl's house because she talks about how shitty is all the time and how skunks live underneath it and well we just had to witness it. I honestly couldn't believe it was real. First of all it is enormous-if I knew anything about square footage I would put out a number that is obscenely large and very impressive. It is like two regular sized 2 bedroom sized homes put together PLUS there is a full size barn attached to the back with real horse stalls in it. And it is in a regular neighborhood. It's completely crazy. Also the entire place is in a state of decrepit disrepair. Most rooms don't have dry wall, everything is crooked and it is just a disaster, but it was built in the 1800s so it is really old and beautiful if someone could devote years and thousands of dollars to fixing it.

Anyway the party was fun. Then today I went again to Leah and Martin's house from which we walked to this great bakery about 2 miles away and got lunch/heavenly desserts and lazed about drinking coffee. Then we walked back and their 3 year old was on a ridiculous sugar high. She was running ahead continuously yelling "I'm running slow!!!!!" then stopping turning and telling us to freeze and then running again. It was hilarious!

That is all. I am spending the rest of the day skyping and watching movies. This is why being out of school is so friggin wonderful-I have actual free time in which I have literally no obligations or things to do. Well there are things to do but it's stupid stuff like laundry and dishes and researching grad schools. I just can't get over the blissful lack of papers/studying/business text books/flashcards. Love it.

it's April already

It is April on Sunday and I can't quite believe I have been here 2 months already. I feel I have been here forever or a week-this changes depending on the day. In reflection though I can tell the passage of time by the following things:

-my giant size shampoo and conditioner are half gone

-I can't see over the stack of books I have accumulated on my desk at the museum

-I have used up 3 legal pads

-my coffee supply is dwindling to 2 options instead of 4

-I don't get blisters from any of my dress shoes anymore

-my pile of rocks from the places I travel is more like a small gravel pit than a collection

-I used up an all of the ink from a pen

-I have almost caught up on watching all 5 seasons of 30 Rock

observation of a single lady and her dog

I don't understand why a single woman would have a dog, here's why:

Firstly she can't go on vacation/anywhere for over 8 hours because the dog needs her. Now I really see an advantage of being a single woman in her 40s is the lack of responsibility and resulting freedom to jet about and have adventures. The dog crushes all chances of these.

Secondly she never knows when a murderer is near her house. The dog is silent until there is someone across the street so when it starts barking wildly I get freaked out certain that the person causing such agitated behavior from said animal is a threat. It is unnerving. I get freaked out enough in this house alone I don't need a dog adding extra anxiety by identifying non-threats.

Thirdly she can't walk around her house unaccompanied. Again the advantage to owning your own home and living alone in it at 40 is the peace and quiet. Well not here folks, that saliva spewing dog is gonna be right at your shins when you turn around blanketing you with guilt for not paying attention to it. Just let me make my lunch in peace!

Now I'm sure to a dog loving person they defend these inconveniences with the fact that it provides companionship blah blah blah. Well not worth it I'd say. Ok I'm sorry to all of my friends who love dogs (right so that is most of you...don't worry I'll pretend to love your dog like usual when I get home, really I don't mind them as long as I don't have to live with it), I know you hold them in great esteem. I just can't handle the constant demand on my attention and slobber. Oh the slobber *shudder*.

This is about where you are probably expecting me to rise up in favor of an alternate animal to have as a pet i.e. companionship, like a cat. Wrong. I have decided I don't like having any pets. Last year when I borrowed my parents kittens at school for a month it was all fun and games until the second week when they started tearing shit up and demanding I play with them or they would spill their water everywhere. I have enough stuff to deal with, let's not add on cleaning up animal vomit (the dog just barfed. awesome.), picking up dog poop/cleaning litter boxes, etc.

from cape cod to maple syrup

This past weekend exceeded all expectations in terms of greatness.

1. I FINALLY got to Cape Cod on Saturday. I bused down to Rachel in Cambridge and she drove (what an angel) the 2.5 hours to Provincetown (known as P-town) which is as far as you can drive into the Cape Cod area. It's off-season in the cape so all sorts of wonderful things result. We parked easily and for free, we could move around the sidewalks with ease, everything was on sale, stores weren't crowded, food was cheap and it was nice and cold :) So we ate lunch at this delightful place called the Purple Feather-it was entirely purple inside and once we sat down in our window seats we were bombarded with an entire wall devoted to breast and penis shaped cookies/cupcakes/baked goods. Too weird. Then we went wandering about/shopping and oh the things I bought! First we went into a tiny used book store that upon entering wallops you in the face with the musty/dusty/book smell of my dreams. After running about exclaiming over the amount of books I found a copy of Wuthering Heights that was in a box, bound in navy blue with gold embossed lettering for $4. Outstanding. Then when I went to buy it the guy was telling me how to clean the dust off of it and surely having overheard my adulations of joy earlier, stopped mid-sentence and said "or maybe you want to keep the dust for ambience" and I said "why you are quite right!"

Then we went to an antique store where I got a Sadler tea pot (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) for $35-a STEAL! I blame Rachel because this is the exact transaction that went down:

Me-"oh look at that tea pot!" scamper over and caress it, check the price to dissaude myself as I was sure it would be crazy expensive. Seeing it was $45 started to persuade me then I told Rachel she needed to persuade me not to buy it.

Rachel-"well how much is it?" (upon hearing the price) "Oh get it!!"

So I did and the lady discounted it, probably because I was so excited and was the only person in the store. Then we went to some touristy stores and got sweatshirts that were crazy cheap and a store owner told us to a nearby beach to spot some whales. First walked along the dock-there is something just beautiful about a port aka fishing town in New England. Boats are everywhere, the buildings are all victorian architecture but with gray shingle siding and bright colored trim. It's all easy-breezy-sit on the dock and eat lobster and drink beer. Sigh.

Anyway we get to this beach and it is gorgeous. Now there were a huge line of cars facing the waterfront with people looking through binoculars so needless to say we did not see any whales but we did tromp around in the sand and I stepped into the water to experience the mythically frigid water. It's not a myth, that shit is cold. Then we climbed a mini-sand dune thing and gasped in awe at the sweet view. Finally we started our drive back taking the scenic highway this time and stopping at a seafood place for dinner on the way. All in all a fabulously wonderful perfect day.

2. On Sunday it was part two of Maple Syrup Weekend here in New Hampshire (who knew such a thing existed? most people apparently at least judging by the reactions I got from every native I told about it). Anyway my supervisor that lives near me called to see if I wanted to join her, her husband and daughter as they went to a few different Maple Syrup Farms to get samples and stuff. Naturally I said yes so they picked me up and we went and consummed more maple syrup than I have ever had in my life. This is due to the fact that I never had maple syrup till last year and didn't like how sweet it was but really all I needed was REAL maple syrup. Oh. My. God. It is so good I can hardly believe it. But what is even better is that they make it in something called a sugar shack aka a log cabin that has this giant metal trough-like thing in it full of boiling syrup with a huge wood-fire under it and letting off great giant streams of smoke. Basically it's awesome-it's all cozy and smells like campfire/maple syrup and they were playing country music and drinking coffee. My kind of place.

From there we went onto 3 other places. At all of them we got to try their different grades of maple syrup and get a tutorial on how it's made. We also got a variety of maple-themed foods all of which were shockingly delicious. They were maple popcorn, maple hotdogs (that's a hotdog boiled in syrup), maple candy and biscuits covered in maple butter. Oh yeah. I think I need to marry into a maple syrup making family.

To sum up-one of, if not the best weekend to date. It was cold and rainy (my kind of weather), I got to walk on a beach, eat fish, sip coffee in a sugar shack and eat real home made maple syrup. OH and we took a tractor ride that gave us a view of real honest to goodness mountains! New England: exceeding expectations on a daily basis.

it was bound to happen

Actually two things were bound to happen.

One: I allowed myself to wallow a bit in how much I miss all of you aka my wonderful friends. Because the thing is this-my internship is wonderful and I love all of the places and opportunities available to me blah blah blah, but when you sit in Boston Common all on your own after 3 hours it gets a tad unsatisfying. I want someone here locked in to travel with me and have adventures. All of the friends I have made here have real lives outside of the museum where as I am more of a vacationer so I want to spend every weekend driving/exploring and they have to work other jobs or have boyfriends or husbands/kids. So yeah. Kind of frustrating.

Two: I had a really bad no good two days at the internship. Shocking, but inevitable. First I was given back my mini-essay thing that I've been writing for the curator and am now on my 5th, count 'em 5th DRAFT. Really the frustrating part is that the paragraphs that she said were fine before and now have many many edits. Unfriggin believable. Ok it's partly my fault because I haven't been asking enough questions to clarify exactly what she wants. Meh. Then today I gave a presentation about the differences between modern and contemporary art. Here's the thing, I asked to create/present it and then when I went to do it I realized I had no idea what I was doing, had a crisis of faith and generally freaked out. My supervisor kind of hi-jacked it because I went to her and kind of stared at her and whimpered in panic. This then resulted in me still really confused and having to give a presentation that I didn't make and well it was miserable. I'm going to stop there and refrain from getting all kinds of depressing in my pity-party as this could have all been fixed by me working on it earlier. Also everyone got to see stressed out Aimie and well it was a new experience.

Here's to happier days ahead, at least with a beer in my hand it seems that happier days are ahead :)